Many know that I am a Buddhist and have studied and meditated for about six years. The practice has given me many tools with which to make this amazing journey. I have grown still in many areas of my life and my reactions are more measured than before I started. Overall, I think I have made some great strides in living my life peacefully and with mindfulness. So, with that said…This weekend a situation occurred between a friend and me. It was hurtful, raw and came with so many emotions I had not experienced in many years. And, because of this, I yelled at a friend, judged him very harshly, cried (yes, cried) over the loss of a relationship that was special to me and have had thoughts reminiscent of a high school girl (ie revenge). I wanted to hurt my friend, make him feel horrible and to justify myself. I succeeded. But there is no victory. I feel defeated, deflated.
Being that I still have my practice, tattered and ragged as it is, and I am looking at these situations as my beloved teachers. This whole situation has been a Master that has shown me, quite clearly, that the superficial achievements of my practice have not touched the deep-rooted defilements that live deep in my heart.
I saw a part of me that is ugly, cunning and powerful. I am Mara, and I defeated myself.
I am sorry for my actions and words. I am sad at the loss of this relationship. I cannot let go as easily as I thought I should, a troubling realization. However, I am thankful that I got to see me for who I am. I am not special, I am not enlightened, I am not a “good” Buddhist. But, I am trying. I don’t want to look at what has transpired and replay what I have should have said or done; but rather, I want to look, with a critical eye, at what I did and put the tools of my practice in places where they can help prevent this again. I know I have gained much negative kamma from my actions. But, I am still alive and can work on neutralizing the negative with positives. Let me start with the following:
To the one I hurt: I’m sorry…so sorry…I hope you can forgive me. I hope you realize what you mean to me and that you have my love.
To the rest of the folks reading this…all the tens of you…If you see me doing this again…TELL ME!!!! Make sure I know in no uncertain terms that my actions are unskillful. Realize, of course, this will initially piss me off, but I will come around quickly and realize you are right! This situation was full of lessons for me. Maybe it is time I become a better student.
Being human is great! We have the unique capacity to learn from our errors and take steps to prevent them from reoccurring.